Chasing Cars

About a year ago I used to baby sit a little girl whose mother was going through chemotherapy. She was about 6 or 7 yrs old at the time. Her mother was probably the sweetest person I knew, and even though she had cancer she never acted like it. Well, I saw this girls mother at church on Sunday and she seemed just fine, not a trace of her illness at all. She just seemed soo happy. Well today I found out that that same seemingly healthy woman just died, and even though people die everyday, it seems so scary to know that it is someone who really didnt deserve it. Its hard to think that someone like her would have to leave this earth and its more hard to think that that little girl would not have her mother anymore. I know what it is like to loose someone you cared about at a very early age, and it changes your life forever. Every morning I would wake up thinking that her death was just a dream, and then i would have to face the truth. So my series finale is a dedication to Mrs. Cincia and all the people that I have loved who had to face the reality of death. This is also a dedication to the people whose lives were change by those deaths, like that little girl who in every way symbolizes me. Her mother wasnt related to me, nor were our families great friends. It was merely her kindness and grace that impacted me in such a profound way that I will never forget her.

I hate the fact that it takes a death to straighten ones life out, but it has. I think this is the best way to end my stint on LJ, because her view on life has truly changed my perspective. Even when she was going through one of the toughest times in her life, she still maintained her grace and love. I want to be like that. I can be so bitter at times that are so juvinile or trivial, that i reject the sweetness of life's beauty. The most predictable part of life is death and the more that people embrace that, the more we can just enjoy our lives.

My Writer's stike is over- but it bears the news of a season finale!

I got a LJ 2 years ago to keep in touch with all of my SNFI friends (even my name is homage to SNFI), and in those years I have definetly evolved to a different person. My life has changed in so many areas, and i am proud of it. The show has had its highs and lows, and even though my ratings have been in the ditch, it doesnt matter. This show just wasnt for the public- even though viewer ratings do help with the continuation of another season, but this show was for me. This show a huge bulk of my greatest memories over the course of 2 years. In those years i have gained friends as fast as i have lost them, and even though i am sad for the losses, life still moves on.

So even though my show is cancelled, i will still remember all my fans. *tear* But for all you loyal fans, there just might be a spin-off journalizing my years at UGA. (I hope you liked the subtle reference to the fact that I GOT INTO UGA!!!!- and that is where i will be going) who knows where life will take me.

So thank you, and Goodbye. This road has taken me far enough, and I am ready to make a left or right on this journey called life.

Kamilah

So after months of searching I finally found the dress that is "the one". It is absolutely perfect and totally me. All i will reveal to my avid readers, as if there are any, is that it is black, white and pink. Its like a twist on old hollywood, so i am going to wear pink gloves with bracelets over it and have long tyra hair. It'll be fun :) All i need now is to find me a date. Its actually kind of weird because now I am finally noticing all of the seniors at my school. Every guy I look at, i look at with a new eye...to see if he is a prom potential. In my mind i think, is he tall enough, will he look good in a tux. Hopefully I can find me a date. Someone who can look good in a black tux, black shirt and a pink tie. lol.

Any way...I'm kinda apprehensive about the group that i'm going with, but whatevs. The only one thing that is cool about it is that we are riding in a party bus with a stripper pole in it. Haha, that should be fun.

I really want to go to a club after prom and just get a fake id. I bet that would never happen, but it would be totally fun. who knows, maybe i can find a date who can make fake ids.

omg christian siriano just won project runway. this is a day in history i will never forget. his collection was more than amazing. he defined what walking art truly is. from day one i predicted that my guy would win...and he did. one day, no lie, either him or austin scarlett will design my wedding dress. i have never been more wowed by a fashion show than this one. the show felt like alexander mcqueen times 10. he is my all time favorite fashion designer on project runway and when i become a buyer for bergdorf goodman or bloomingdales or even Saks, he will be the first showroom i go to on fashion week. lol. Christian is like my fashion hero. He took so many risks and it surely paid off.

For such a long time now I have never really had to experience age as a barrier before. But, unfortunately that pattern has been proven wrong. Just recently I have made an account with a summer internship program, and just like a college application, there are many sections that one has to fill out. This is a really competitive internship where you get to go to NY and stay in an apartment, and work with really great companies that are best for what you want to specify/major in. So for me, I would be in the marketing devision, and would be able to go to NY for a month and intern with a major company that has a great marketing division. Even though this is a great oppurtunity, I cant do it because I'm not 18. I have really great chances of getting in, so it sucks that age is a barrier now. But whatever though, i guess i will just apply next year.

One random thought- I love rilo kiley right now.

Today while I was at work, a woman came in selling ads to Paulann. I realized that she did advertising for a magazine so I wanted to know if she needed any interns. To my surprise, and luck i suppose, she was short staffed and could use my help. She needed a Sales Rep, and even though that was way out of my league she said that if I could sell at least one ad by the Saturday then i can intern as a sales rep for a few months and then get paid doing that until i go to college. I figured that this would be a great oppurtunity so i am very excited to see if i can actually do this. Even though this magazine is brand new and kinda sucky, i think that this experience will be great and i look forward to it.

On Saturday I was working at the store all day. In the afternoon, the girl that i told you about who was just like me came to the store in the afternoon on her free time. When she came she was dressed very quakerish so I asked why she was dressed that way. She told me that she was preaching. I was like "what are you preaching" and she said, "God's Word". That confused me a bit and so I said "Where were you preaching God's Word" and she said door to door. Nothing was clicking, so i said "Why are you preaching door to door." At this point she gave me this look like if I should already know and I had no idea what she was talking about. After this awkward silence she said, "I'm a Jehovas Witness!" and I was like "Oooooo, duh!" I have never felt more dumb....actually I take that back- but that is another story for another time.

BTW- I absolutely love Amy Winehouse and I am so happy that she won her Grammys :)

so i should probably be working on my essay right now, but i have a feeling that its going to be an all nighter, so it really doesnt matter how much time i waste now. I watched the movie Rocket Science the other day and it was great...the funniest thing I have seen in a while.

I met this girl the other day who is just like me. We have the same interests on just about everything. It is really funny because we like complete each other's sentences. I dont know where she has been all my life. lol. I sense a great friend in the making, which is great because I only have like three good friend, all the other people I secretly hate. JK. Actually no- i'm not kidding. There's a reason why they are associates and not my friends.

I never really talked about my close-up trip. There is so much to say that i dont want to say anything. All i will say is that it was great. No more than great, it was wonderful. Molly Munson went on the close up trip and i never realized how cool she was outside of debate. I thought she was going to be one of those boring debate people that you hate to talk to, but she was totally not. She is also someone who is extremely similar to me, and for as long as i knew her- i had never known our similarities.

Embarrasing Moment of the Day

I heard the song Ya Trick Ya the other day...its so dumb...and one of my friends told me that whenever anyone is in your face about something, or if they are just pissing you off then you say "Ya Trick Ya". So i was trying to find the right time to use it, and this girl was in my face about something so i just yelled "Yaaaaaaaa!...Trick Ya- Get Out My Face Hoe". Its so funny cuz when I say it,it doest sound like the way a black person would say it...but like a person with tourettes...randomly bursting out those words. Or like a mentally retarded person saying it when their having a fit or something. Gosh it made me look so dumb. Rule #42 on things that Kamilah should never do-- act Black.

So I am in sort of a bind concerning college. For udergrad I have two choices: UGA or GSU. Both of these schools have their advantages and disadvantages. At UGA I love its distance away from home, and academically it is great for my major. However, the thing I love about GSU is that it is in the heart of Atlanta, and there would be so much oppurtunity around me. I really want to intern at Jezebel/ National Women's magazine, or the Apparel Mart during college and they are all in Atlanta. If I go to GSU i would be able to intern and go to school at the same time. If I go to UGA then i wouldnt really be able to do both, and there arent any fashion magazines located in Athens. The only disadvantage about GSU is that it is way to close to home and so I would have to commute to school everyday. I really cant stand my parents now, so there is no way I can stay home with them. Gosh- this is going to be a really hard decision to make.

On another note, I will be interning during the summer. I am applying for the Teen Vogue and Seventeen magazine internship in NY, the showroom internship at the Atlanta Apparel Mart and the National Women's magazine internship also in Atlanta. I really want to get Teen Vogue, but if i dont I have a bunch of different magazines to choose from. And if for some reason I dont get those, I will do the Apparel Mart internship, which wont be hard because my step-mom has connections with that. I really think I can get the Teen Vogue one though. The program that I want to be a part of hire's right out of high school. If I land this internship then I will be in NY for a month interning for them...which would be amazing.

Today I felt very odd. Its was like I could feel my old skin shedding, and I was becoming another person. I have just recently started to associate myself with people I would have never imagined myself hanging out with and I had a great time. I feel like I am becoming a new person. Maybe it is a sign that I am becoming a more mature person and that petty things and petty people dont phase me anymore. At one point in my life I would attach myself to the drama and gossip of the school and of people in general, but I am past that now. I have finally realized that those things dont matter any more. I like this new person that I am becoming. I feel more respectable, and smarter, and kinder, and just better. I know that as I continue to shed this old skin and grow something new, sacrafices will be made. I know that I will loose some of my old friends and even my old ways, but I promise you; the new me is better and I know that you will like her. I do.

For years now I have always been concerned about what other people thought about me but today I realized that they dont care. I have realized that i finally dont care what others think about me. I have found that on the days that I cared about myself and loved myself, that people were very positive and showed those emotions towards me. The way I feel about myself on the inside will shine outward and influence the way others act around me.

I absolutely love corrine bailey rae and everyone should listen to the song like a star and tell me what you think.